Coffee Talk #196: 8 Tips to Grow Through Self-Doubt

It’s Tuesday! Grab your cup and let’s start chattin’.

Click the video for the LIVE chat on this topic! I’m loving our weekly coffee dates on FB.

If we were having coffee together this week, we’d chat about self-doubt. More importantly, we’d chat about growing through self-doubt. What does that mean? Let’s chat.

Self-doubt is lack of confidence in one’s self or one’s abilities. It’s a real human thing and no one is safe from it. Even the most confident people I know experience moments of self-doubt. So, what can we do to grow through it?

The first thing we could chat about is how self-doubt manifests in our lives. I’ve identified three ways:

1) expectation/beliefs
2) comparison
3) imposter syndrome

Let’s briefly examine each one. Expectation/beliefs are related to the stories we tell ourselves, or the stories that other direct for us, and we absorb. These beliefs could be related to expectations (must do these three things by age 30), or cultural norms (you have to go to college if you live in this area/come from this school). Comparison is the thief of all things good. It’s noticing that someone else has something that you don’t have and wishing you could be just like that, in a way that sort of takes over your mind and judgement. We want what we don’t have and feel less than if we’re not the same as someone else. Imposter syndrome (I’ve written about this) is the guilt associated with success, even when it’s justified and earned, and the feeling that you’re a fraud, like not worthy of your abilities.

Take a moment and consider which (if not all) of these self-doubt issues are in your life. I can identify with all three of them, at different points in my life, even recently. Self-doubt can creep into your life at any time. What can we do to grow though it?

I’ve put together a list of 8 tools or tips we can use when we’re noticing self-doubt. Are there any you would add?

8 Tips to Grow through Self-Doubt

1. Observe & question. This is a BIG one. We have to recognize when we’re experiencing self-doubt, and identify patterns. I’ve found that journaling can be super helpful with this. Instead of immediately jumping to negativity or defensiveness, train yourself to pause, recognize the self-doubt, and ask yourself where it’s coming from. Call yourself on your self-doubt. This is the first step to growing through it!

2. Feel the feelings. Allow yourself to feel your way through self-doubt. This isn’t a blank check to wallow in self-pity; instead, it’s a chance to notice what happens to your body emotionally and physically when you feel self-doubt. Does your body get tense? Does your posture change? Do you get a feeling in the pit of your stomach? Does your heart race? Noticing how your body reacts to self-doubt is helpful for #1 – observing when you feel it and then using those feelings to work through it.

3. Control you. As much as we’d like to sometimes, we can’t control what others say or do. This is especially tough when considering how others observe you or criticize you. We can’t control the things people say, but we can control our reactions. Try this: the next time someone comes at you with a criticism, stop, take a deep breath, and thank them for the observation. THEN MOVE ON. 99% of the time the criticism they are sharing is made to make you feel badly so they can feel better. It’s more about THEM than YOU. If you overreact and allow yourself to feel badly for their observation, that will reflect poorly on you.

4. Unfollow that ish. You can surround yourself with GOOD. You’re allowed to say no to the things and people that make you feel badly about yourself. Unfollow those accounts on social media, quietly stop responding to texts or messages from people who just bring you down. You’re allowed to do this. You’re allowed to feel GOOD about yourself and who you spend your time around. I do this frequently, and it sucks sometimes to realize that you’ve outgrown relationships, but you have to do what is best for YOU.

5. Trust YOUR values. Just because Jessica down the block is doing something and you guys are sort of kind of in a similar situation, it 100% does NOT mean that you have to do those things, too! Applaud them for their efforts and move on to YOUR efforts. Focus on you. Don’t worry about what other people are doing, because you don’t necessarily know 100% what they are going through at the moment. Don’t feel like you have to do something just because ‘everyone else’ is doing it. Related – don’t try to copy someone else’s success. It never looks or feels as good as the original. Observe those you admire and see if you can make different pieces work for you, but don’t steal their thunder. You can imitate but never duplicate. You’re too special for that!

6. Stop making excuses. Ohhh, this one. Sometimes we doubt ourselves so much that we’ll rationalize excuses for missed opportunities. We produce excuses, alibis, transparent self-justifications, and a million reasons why we can’t/shouldn’t/won’t do what we know we need to do. Think back on opportunities you turned down. What reasons did you give yourself? Where these legitimate reasons or just excuses?

7. Take care of yourself. I’m not going to roll into a commercial for self-care in the form of massages or facials. I’m talking about DAILY rituals that make you feel good about yourself. When you feel good, there’s less room for self-doubt. Drink water. Get sleep. Eat plants. Move your body. Discover what feeling good FEELS like and replicate that every day.

8. Open up. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Don’t hide things. Allow others to become part of your story – this can help boost your confidence! People aren’t rooting for you? Time to change your circle. Surround yourself with people who lift you UP and cheer you ON. I will say – look for a close, trusted mentor to help call you on your ish, but for good reasons. It sucks that not everyone wants to see you succeed, but the RIGHT people do, and they are there for you!

Let’s go forth and rock our CONFIDENCE!